Bipolar, the constant Crash and Rebuild
From champion driver to bouncing off the barriers with a jammed throttle, you become an unwilling passenger in an out of control wreck.
Then you're the injured, the damaged, the 'never was' that now becomes the tow truck driver, panel beater and mechanic, prepared to put it all out there again to have another chance to make it over the line, just one more time...
You had full control, so now you're stuck with the guilt, the shame and embarrassment of the crash, the damage and cost. While trying to find the energy to rebuild, you know you have the ablity, the resources and are full of 'this won't beat me again' never give up attitude.
When you finally get the energy to begin the clean up, self doubt starts, all the reasons for the crash become clear 'it's all my fault' you start giving everything away, hoping someone else will benefit from what you learned and from the things you can't find a use for anymore.
Depression grabs hold and you can barely get out of bed each day let alone believe you'll ever succeed or taste victory of another race.
You feel the embarrassment and shame that you yourself caused all of the damage, you become entrenched in a spiral of helplessness and despair, wanting help but feeling like you're dragging others into another crash with you, one they don't deserve to be a part of, so you avoid asking anyone to help you, you become isolated and question the very reason of your next breath.
A wave of tiring emotions, broken sleep, anxiety and fear until one day, you realise you do have what it takes..............and the cycle starts again, but now you're starting from scratch, trying to make everything right while dealing with the original crash and the destruction you caused afterwards, it's like you're always on the back foot.
Bipolar - best friend, worst nightmare, sometimes steady, sometimes rapidly cycling these feelings many times a day.
Sometimes it doesn't matter 'how hard you try' or how much you 'just rest' the overwhelming feeling of being useless and impacting on people around you becomes unbearable.
We don't ask for sympathy, just understanding as we keep navigating places we ourselves never knew existed, and we keep apologising, knowing we have caused upset to those around us, hoping one day, we will stop being a burden, and we thank our close friends for their continued support.
The good news is, help is available, it just might be a long road, but it's better than the continual crashes and rebuilds or ultimately the feeling of suicide that comes to visit all too frequently and becomes a regular, normal feeling!
Start with talking it over with your family, your mates and visit your GP for some advice.
It's true, you're not alone and you don't have to do this by yourself. Like any racer, build a team around you, you're worth it and as a team, you'll get across the line.
Join in the conversation or start your own, let others know talking helps.....